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Thursday, 16 May 2013

Why Nice/Good Guys Fail in Relationships

I’m sure most of you women have been there before and have dated guys who have considered themselves “nice guys”. You’ve heard it before “I’m such a gentleman” “I am such a nice guy” “Luckily there are guys like me out there”. ENOUGH! I’ve heard it all. I have always ended up dating your typical nice guy only to find out it would become a total disaster in the end. They open doors for you, pull out your seat for you, compliment you, tell you that you are beautiful when you look your worse, have romantic dates with you, shower you with affection, and smother you with kisses. They do everything right until you find out who they truly are. Now I usually call these guys “a bunch of frogs” because they make themselves out to be someone they are not.

Okay. I don’t want anyone of you MEN to get offended. There are nice MEN out there who don’t have constantly throw themselves at women to make a “relationship” or a “love interest” work out. They know how to go on about it and sweep a woman off her feet without dropping her not one time, and a woman is able to do the same in vice versa. These are the kind of MEN who do not put themselves in categories because they know who they are.

I always like differentiate between guys and men because in my opinion they are two different people. Keep on reading and you will understand why.

Last night, my mother was reading a story to my niece. It was about a princess who kisses a frog and he turns into a prince. I cringed once my mother read the part and quickly interrupted and said “Ana, don’t you go and kiss no frogs. They are not who they say they are.” My niece is four years old btw, and she laughed and kept on kissing the picture of the frog. I said “Ana, keep on playing, but I am serious, don’t ever kiss a frog because you don’t need a frog prince in your life.”

The reason why I call some good guys frogs is because they are. Good guys are not always who they say they are. There are the ones who sit back and become enrage once he sees a woman of his interest, or just any woman in general dating who he considers a “bad guy”. Some good guys go by false logic for example “All birds have wings. Therefore, all birds can fly.” If you are continuously getting dumped by every woman you encounter, truth is, the problem is you. Some good guys refuse to blame themselves for a relationship that goes downhill. I’ve heard it plenty of times. “She was such a bitch” “She used me for sex” “She abused me and my trust” “She was so controlling” “She never loved me”. You can think of all the negative and false scenarios to come up with to make your ex woman look bad. It may work with some people, but not everyone is willing to buy into your bullshit. We get it good guys. It is never your fault.

Most of the good guys that I have encounter were very insecure. No woman wants to date or be in a relationship with an insecure guy. He reacts once you show some kind of attraction to him, and out of desperation he feels as if you were “destined” to be together. He constantly questions you about your motives of being with him. He showers you with gifts or is always spilling his heart out to you. They feel as if they are under attack especially when it comes down to other men. And needless to say, these guys are very emotional, or at least pretend they are. I mean, there is nothing wrong with a guy showing his emotions because at least he is showing that he is man enough to show he has emotions. However, it’s a different story if you two are watching the Notebook and he is crying at every scene…literally. I dated a guy who cried while watching the Lion King from the beginning all the way until the end.

One thing I’ve realized about dating an insecure guy was that they loved to talk. I’m not talking about the talk where you have a mutual conversation, but where they constantly have to talk about themselves. I’m quite sure many of you women hear it. They will exaggerate achievements, relationships, friendships, status, jobs, and just their life in general. In other words they lie, and they think they are good at it. These guys are terrible liars, and if you are smart enough you will catch up and dump his sorry behind.

When my ex and I started dating we were playing 21 questions while speaking on the phone. When I asked him “What kind of people do you dislike?” he quickly exclaimed “I HATE liars with a passion.” When I think of his answer as of right now I can’t help it but laugh. Why? He lied about everything. Shit, he lied more than the devil himself. I don’t think he ever told the truth at all because all he did was tell one lie after another. He lied about his past relationships, why he was constantly fired from his jobs, his achievements, and the list goes on. Hell, you could look at his shoes which was plain black and ask him “What color are your shoes?” and he would say “Red. My shoes are red.”

Nice guys treat women like objects. He treats her as if she’s a trophy that he fought so hard to get, and constantly bows down to her and her needs. Guys need to understand that women should be appreciated, not worshipped, unless it’s in the bedroom, but that’s a different story. A woman loves it when a man shows all of his appreciation to her. Not some, not half, but all of it, and she will definitely return the favor. No one wants to be worshipped, not unless you think the world revolves around you, and only you. When a guy worships a woman, he does it for all the wrong reasons, and the outcome of it is never good. In the end, he will always find a reason to blame you because he “sacrificed” himself to you, and gave “everything” to you, and because things didn’t work out it is all YOUR fault.

Now Guys, no women shouldn’t be held captive for your “mistakes” or your own “faults”. What kind of burden is that to place on her? This is the time to make decisions together as a couple and agree with each other. Remember, it takes two to tango. It takes two to make a relationship work out. All a woman want is a caring, equal, and loving partner. All you have to do is compromise. There is nothing wrong with compromising in a relationship. You do this out of the courtesy of the other. Not because you have to do it and need to do it, but because you want to do it in order to make a relationship work out for the best. We don’t ask for much. Some of you guys just go overboard with the idea thinking that we want more than what we already asked for.

Here are some examples:

Example #1: If you come across a woman who wants to take cruise ship to England, but you only have enough to take her on a cruise ship to the Bahamas. Trust me, she will appreciate that trip to the Bahamas more than anything.

Example #2: For her birthday if she wants to go to an upscale restaurant and then head to the park to watch the sunset. You have to keep something in mind, and that is being spontaneous. There is nothing wrong with cooking her favorite meal, and setting your table close by the window so she can see the sunset. You can do this especially when money is tight in your situation. You don’t have to do exactly what she wants, but you have to be courteous as well as spontaneous. I’m quite sure she will appreciate your effort more than ever.

You don’t have to be cheap, and you don’t have to be greedy. I know some guys are full of greed and like to cheat you. I been there and done that.

It all boils down to this:

Some nice guys just don’t like themselves. They are too busy hiding behind a false persona because he is too afraid to let his “love interest” find out who he truly is on the inside. He lets his false persona, and insecurities place the fear of losing her in his mind. He feels if she finds out who he truly is that she wouldn’t like him anymore and will leave to find someone better. I had this happen numerous times, and was never comfortable because I felt I didn’t know who my SO truly was despite being a relationship with them. If you asked me I still wouldn’t know a thing or two about them because they gave off the wrong persona every time. And this is why I call them frogs because they are willing to sacrifice and be the things they know they cannot be. Prince charming is lethal, he listens to others, he’s insecure, he’s self-centered, he never know what he wants, and he is not who he claim he is. So ladies, kiss men, not frogs. Fall in love with men, and fall out of love with frogs.

Guys, you just have to learn how to love yourselves. Stop being insecure, stop blaming other women for your behavior, stop blaming women for your problems, stop exaggerating, stop lying, and stop thinking the world revolves around you because it don’t. You should know what you want out of a relationship and life in general. Don’t cheat yourself out of a good woman because you didn’t know how to keep her or treat her.

Thursday, 18 April 2013

Dilemma of A Mama’s Boy/Nice Guy

At first I thought Steeve done everything right. He opened up the doors for me, pulled out my chair for me to sit down first, and always had me choose the ideas he came up with. I thought he was just the average gentleman who had such a charismatic personality, who have always texted me “Good Morning. Enjoy your day” or “Good Night and sleep well tonight” with the kissy face at the end, and who was always presenting me with a gift or two. I thought I was the luckiest woman alive to have a man who had such feelings for the woman he cared about, and I have never thought negative about it until it all went downhill. Usually the saying goes “first impressions is what counts the most”, or maybe I took the saying for more than what it was meant for. At some point he fucked up, and I mean fucked up big time.
It all started with the insecurities. I noticed when you start a new relationship you have insecurities here and there, and at somepoint you learn to trust and the insecurities will fade away. He was so insecure he started accusing me of being insecure. Every time I turned around he was always snooping through my things, and was always questioning me about my motives on being with him. If he saw something he did not like such as a male friend sending me a text, or when I randomly ran into one of my male friends in public he always wanted to know what their intentions were with me. At some point it all seem to have died down, and we were back to being “normal”again.
One day we got into a huge fight over the phone because he thought the feelings I had for him were fake. I told him I will give him a call later on that night because right then and there I needed time and space to think. A couple of hours later his mother gave me a call, and called me at least several times before I picked up the phone. I was at work when she called me btw…When I finally picked up the phone she said in her Haitian accent “What is going on between you and my Steeve?” and before I could say anything she said “He was crying, and I could not stop him from crying. Why are you making my boy cry?” and that’s when I realized that I was dealing with a mama’s boy. Mind you, he is a 24 year old grown man.
Note: He used to cry about everything. You couldn’t watch a movie with him without him crying. One time when were in a park he crying because the way the sun was setting. He cried at just about anything and everything.
His mother would call me every time he and I got into something, and try to tell me how “poorly” I treated her son with him in the background crying his eyes out. The relationship I was in was completely one sided, and too damn crowded. I was the enemy, and he was the victim. He always the victim, he was always blaming someone, and eventually ended up blaming me for every single problem that we had. I would get texts from him that said “You are the reason why this relationship went bad. You ruined this relationship.” I would try to call and talk to him, but he would ignore my calls, and when I thought he finally picked up it was his mother on the other end telling me I was a “poor” girlfriend.
Steeve was like a little girl. If you caught him doing something wrong, he would get mad at you for catching him in the wrong, and will not speak to you. He would make every reason not to speak to you by starting a fight with you on purpose that way you look like you were at fault, and he was innocent. I gave up the fighting at some point, and I told him “If you want a relationship with me, you would do your best to keep others out of it, and make it your business to work on things instead of putting one person at fault.”
Eventually, I gave him a call even though he should have been the one calling me. I thought everything was solved and we had moved on, and for some reason, less than a month later, it started up again. He started ignoring me telling me “You are not a man, and as a man, I have to do things for myself.”
Note: Steeve was the kind of guy who was too egocentric, and had too much pride that when you said something that you believe could not have hurt him…it did. You had to “respect” his manhood, because he felt that he was always under attack from total strangers all the way down to me (his very own girlfriend).
He started making excuses not to talk to me or see me.Eventually he started ignoring me all together and got mad if I told him how I felt. He would go away for long periods of time and text me telling me not to call him because “he didn’t have signal” or “he didn’t want to run up his phone bill”. Before then, he never had a problem talking to me. He used to send me pictures of the places he went to, call me every other night, and now all the sudden he couldn’t do those things anymore.
When he went up to Canada it hit the nail on everything. You would think a guy who goes away to a different country would stay in contact with his girlfriend no matter the cost. He didn’t. He made every excuse not call or stay in contact with me. I guess at some point he knew I would wait on him like I always had, and would put things off for another day, and then the next, and then the next. When he finally got in contact with me, he wasn’t too far from his home, and I texted him “We need to talk about our relationship. Don’t make any excuses, and I don’t care how tired or busy you are.”
As soon as he came in he texted me “I’m very tired. I am going to sleep. Good night.” In other words, what I felt didn’t matter, and so I called him and broke up with him. He asked me why, and so I told him every reason why. After two days of us not speaking I called him to apologize, and he claimed there was no “animosity” on his part. I called him the next day to ask him a question wondering if he would have contacted me to work things out. He was so mean and hateful, and started telling me off. Again, he started blaming mefor the reasons the relationship went wrong, and how his MOTHER made him realized how stupid he has been for being with me.
I told him he is not considerate of other people feelings. No one feelings matter except for his own. I told him that he never had common courtesy because he started making excuses as to why he couldn't do anything. His response was “Oh, so common courtesy is staying on the phone all night and listening to you speak. Common courtesy is texting you all throughout the day,and waiting for you to come home at night. Is that common courtesy?” I never told him that what he said was common courtesy, and I’m quite sure most of youknow what I meant by common courtesy. Common courtesy is taking out the time first without making an excuse. Common courtesy is not made for excuses, and so therefore no excuses should be made.
There were times where I took time out for him. Fuck that, I gave him all the time even when I felt I didn’t have time for myself. He would call me only when he was going through something just to hear my voice, and it didn’t matter the time or if I was doing something or not. I was there for himw hen he needed me, and you would think that eventually someone would return the favor? Not him. He was way too selfish to do that. I can’t remember a good thing that has happened in the relationship except the ones in the beginning.
I will be honest with you. I did feel good after he talked crap to me that night I called him. Why? It gave me every reason as why would I give myself away to a person who are only for themselves, and themselves only. A person who only enters a relationship playing the victim, and who consistently blames others for the things they do to themselves. And most of all, who gets his mother involved every time something goes wrong. That was a great feeling because he reminded me of so much I did not want to go back to, and while in the process I threw all this shit out. Well no, first I bleached it, dumped it on the front lawn, and kicked it through the dirt before throwing it in the trash. I also took pictures of it J.
So ladies be careful when you meet a guy named Steeve. He is not who you think he is.
Maybe I should make another post of the warning signs of dating him and guys like him.
So has anyone been through what I've been through? I would love to read some of your experiences.

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

My Boyfriend is too MUSHY!

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three months now. We were dating for five months before we actually made it official. I don’t have any regrets on being with him, maybe just slightly, but its not dramatic. Lately, well not lately, but since we’ve made it official I noticed something different within him. He’s overly too emotional, mushy, and sometimes pushy.
When I say he’s overly emotional I mean that by saying there are certain things you cannot say to him without him overreacting to it. Lets say one night I decide to go bowling with my friends, and I tell him about it. He’ll say things like “I understand” or “Go have fun” when deep down inside he’s bawling like a baby, and when he comes to his senses he holds back his tears and goes “But remember…we were supposed bowling.” It gets you to point were it makes you want to scream “What the fuck is wrong with you?!? Remember? we made plans to go bowling next week!!” And that’s when his tears really start to fall and then he apologizes about the situation, and how he had forgot, and how he wished he could have changed that moment just to make it up to me. >_<
And then there are other times where it is okay for him to be emotional. Sometimes, well most of the time he tends to overreact to that too. Like for instance, one day we decided to be little kids again and see the Lion King in 3D. The movie moves you and touches you, but on his end he cried on just about every scene. Watching him cry was much more interesting than watching the movie…seriously.
He is also mushy. Its kind of cute in a way, but that gets too out of hand. He’s one of those guys that wants everything to be romantic. I find it romantic that he wants to be romantic instead of an ass. He’ll find the most beautiful places just to sit and talk, tell me how he feels, or just to make out. And there are times where he is constantly spilling his heart out so much that it moves him to tears, and what makes him bawl even more is the scenery. Sometimes the stars are out, the moon is glowing, the birds are chirping, little rain drops are falling, or just sitting in front of the ocean all moves him.
I remember one time while we were sitting in the park and we were looking towards New Jersey there was a beautiful sunset. The sky was nice and pink, and he kept looking towards it almost shouting “God! That is so beautiful. That is so beautiful. Isn’t that just beautiful?”
And then he gets a bit pushy. Sometimes when we are just having a moment, or one of his moments he wants me to repeat everything he told me back to him. Sometimes when he’s spilling his heart out he expects me to do the same. Don’t get me wrong, I do tell him how I feel, but I don’t tell him on a daily basis like he does with me. When I don’t do what he expects me to do or say he becomes disappointed and accuses me of not being open and hiding my true feelings, but then again he tells me he “understands” when I know he doesn’t.
I talked to him about him being mushy, pushy, and emotional. He think he changed, but I have yet to see any improvements and I know it will probably be a while before I do….I think.
So, ladies and gents. What would you do if you were in my situation? And have any of you been in my situation?

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Who the (bleep) am I dating?

Questions are written all over my face as to why I am dating the person I am dating. Maybe its because I really like him, or maybe its because I wonder if he’s real, or maybe its because I think his personality lies about who he really is. Whatever it is it doesn’t sit well with me, and I could ask all the questions I want in the world but I don’t seem to be satisfy with the answers I get.
Sometimes he reminds me of my ex. Not extremely but just rare bits of him. Especially with the question he asks me. They are not exactly how my ex would ask them, but its somewhere along those lines. Like if he doesn’t know any of my friends, especially the males, he seems to ask more questions about them than he does when it comes to my female friends. Like he would ask me “How long you knew him?” “How did you feel when you seen him again?” or he’ll either say “You’ve never told me about him before. How come you never told me?” and it leaves our conversations silent and just awkward. And when I ask him why, he just says the usual “I’m just asking…”
He usually calls me at 9:05pm every single night and we talk for two to three hours at a time. But one time I remember, in fact not even once, but twice he got upset because I didn’t pick up my phone right away. One time my mother and I was baby sitting my little niece while my sister went out, and he decides to call me. I didn’t pick up my phone right away because I was dealing with a hollering two year old at the time, I got back to him an hour or two later telling him I was just baby sitting my little niece and couldn’t come to the phone right away. Right then and there, there was a long pause on the other end of the phone and he nearly yelled (well he has a very deep voice so it always sounds like he’s yelling) “Aren’t there other people in the house?” “You usually talk to me while you baby sit, why couldn’t you talk to me then?”
You should have seen my face. I was like WTF who the hell you think you’re talking to?!?!? So I let him have it and he quickly apologized because he didn’t mean for it to sound the way it did.
Yeah. I forgave him, and he did it a second time. I was busy that week because there were tests, finals, and projects that had to be done within the same week. Of course he understood and gave me my space. He called me at the usual time and I ignored his call because I was helping out around the house. When I called him back a couple of minutes later, he answered the phone and said “Oh, you were working on your project?” when I replied no, there was this long awkward pause and he repeated again “You’re not working on your project?” and I replied no again. Again, there was a long awkward pause and I quickly said “Oh, so you’re trying to see what I was doing in between the time you called me until I finally called you back?” and he quickly said “No! Not at all. That project is very important and I assumed that you were working on it. No need to get all defensive..Seesh!”
Can I help that I got defensive? He’s asking me questions like he wants to know every damn thing that I do.
Then it gets worse, and face book is always the enemy of everything because it seems to play a role in my dating/relationship life. Every status I post, and I mean every single status I post that has something to do with love, crushing on someone, or moving on and finding greater things in life ALWAYS end up with him thinking it was about him. SERIOUSLY EVERYTHING I POST HE THINK ITS ABOUT HIM. Its annoying especially when he calls me and tells “I was looking at your face book and I seen your status and I loved it. I know its about me.” I’m like “WTF I wasn’t even thinking of your ass when I posted it!” and he gets mad or upset and starts acting immature about it.
Then it gets worse when I post love songs up. I’m a big fan of slow rock slow love songs, pop slow love songs, country slow love songs, and rnb slow love songs and have been a fan since I could remember way before I even met him. But it seems that every time I post a love song up he think its about him and get mad when I tell him its not.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m in like, not in love (lol) with him. We talk about everything other people wouldn’t, and do the things I have never done before. He opened my eyes to a whole new world, and I thank him for that all the time. We always make sure we are on the right page, the feelings are the same, and we take the same steps at the same exact time that way there wouldn’t be any problems before and after we take the next time. I talked to him about all of this before, but sometimes I just don’t know, and I always need a second opinion from someone different.
My sisters and aunts tell me he’s just being a man because every man does something we sort of hate or that reminds us of someone else we don’t want to be reminded of. It doesn’t mean that they are exactly like the person, but it’s a “guy” thing.
Whatever.
　
Does anyone have any similar experiences? Or any advice to offer me. Thanks.

Sunday, 24 July 2011

Who Should Pay For The Date?

Last night marked date number six with this guy I've been seeing for the past 2 months. Of course I came home feeling happy that I enjoyed myself with someone who is willing to be in my presence. But of course my mom asked the same question she always asks me whenever I come home from my date "Who paid for the date?"
My answer always stay the same and I always say "We both chipped in..."
She gives me this look as if she wants to bite my head off and then says "A guy should always pay for the date...ESPECIALLY if he's the one asking you out."
Believe it or not, I totally understand. We both are on a tight budget, and as much as we want to spend money we really can't. So we are trying to be as careful as we can, and take a look at the prices before going places. By the end of the night we both had an equal share on everything, and by the time I get home I get slapped in the face with questions about paying for the date.
I love the dates I go on and I enjoy each and every last one of them to fullest regardless of who pays for it or split it down the middle to be equal.
My question is...If you were in my situation what would you do? Would you be turned off if a guy who wants to take you out can't cover the entire tab? Would you see him as a cheap ass date? Would you help pay for the date? Should everything be equal between the two?
Share your experiences/stories...etc..